Friday, August 25, 2006
subtitle: if real life were a chick-flick
Yes, I've completely abandoned 8 weeks of bad poetry. We're back to top tens. I present to you today the top ten things I've learned about women from watching chick flicks:
- Most women have only two friends. Usually one is fat and the other is weird, and they almost always do everything in the same group of three. It is rare to find her favoring one over the other, and apparently the other two don't have any other significant relationships to speak of.
- Most mothers disapprove of their daughters' life choices. Either because she's moved away from her roots or failed to live up to her unrealistic expectations, the daughter has a strained relationship with her mom, feels a general sense of hostility from her, and must eventually have an explosive confrontation to resolve the issue. After that it will all be peaches.
- Women will typically fall for the quirky guy. When in doubt, more flaws is usually better. It is unrealistic to expect that the guy with a successful good-paying job, in a stable committed relationship, or who otherwise has it all together will end up with the girl in the end. Of course, every guy also has the one fatal flaw, which the woman must fix before they can actually be together.
- Women like to destroy guys' stuff. Apparently there is something uniquely satisfying about tossing out cherished articles of clothing / priceless sports memorabilia / classic record collections, or otherwise emasculating him in front of his friends or wreaking general havoc in a guy's apartment as part of a conniving revenge scheme.
- Somebody's gotta die (or at least knock on death's door). Whether it's cancer, diabetic-related kidney failure, viral cardio myopathy, or childbirth complications, every woman faces a tragic life-threatening disease at some point in life. She will invariably fail to disclose this to the man she eventually falls in love with, or wait until it is too late to get diagnosed. Men, on the other hand, typically die much more quickly and violently.
- Somebody's gotta get married (or at least have a wedding). For guys, weddings are (a) events to avoid completely or (b) a chance to get drunk and find easy women, but for a woman they represent the ultimate opportunity to reflect on her own life and discover her true deepest feelings about her own love. It matters not whether it is the wedding of a distant relative, her closest friend, or even her own.
- A room full of flowers. Apparently, nothing expresses undying love and devotion more than being impulsive enough or financially irresponsible enough to empty a florist's inventory into a woman's living room, office, bedroom or even rooftop. To a lesser degree candles, or even balloons, may also do the trick.
- Relationship crises are invariably based on misunderstanding. I'm not sure why they do it, but typically the couple will fall in love amidst a hopelessly tangled web of deceit. This often involves one or both parties completely misrepresenting themselves, feigning either interest or total disregard, and eventually discovering in reality their interests are true or reciprocated.
- There's always that one song. You know, the oldie-but-goodie that somehow has the ability to make her spontaneously (a) burst into an emotional fit of tears with sudden clarity about the most difficult of life's issues, (b) sing all the lyrics by heart into an inanimate object as if it is a microphone, and/or (c) break into a choreographed dance in her underwear. If guys would just discover that song early on, everything would be golden. Hint: it's usually a song that is totally atypical for her ethnicity, style, and era.
- Women are perfect. They don't have morning breath. They don't let out embarassing noises in public. They don't have zits. They never have to check their hair. They always have perfectly matched outfits and accessories. Yet somehow, they are either not in a committed relationship, or not committed to the relationship they are in. And whatever flaws they might have actually make them more endearing to men.
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