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Friday, April 07, 2006

Double-Punch Friday 

When I worked at the church, a friend of mine who works for PB&J (or so I thought for at least a year) used to get together at lunch periodically, and he would sometimes bring his friends. I would pretend that they were my friends, too, because it made me feel special. At any rate, we started to become very fond of the lunch buffet at the Pizza Hut that was a model rocket (type C engine) launch away from the church property. The former youth pastor's predecessor had left a book in the office that contained several partially loaded "buy-4-get-1" punch cards, so we used those for a time, and eventually had to get our own. At some point along the way, we convinced one of the waitstaff about an event called "Double-Punch Mondays" and got our cards stamped twice on multiple occasions. In retrospect, neither of us is sure whether we initiated the ruse or whether it was actually the server (who may or may not have thought my friend was "cute" - some have said he looks like Toby Maguire). Eventually the manager called our bluff and informed us that there never was such as beast as "Double-Punch Mondays".

That being said, I've decided to offer (just this once) the legendary treat of a "Double-Punch Friday" - two top ten lists for the price of one. So whip our your frequent reader cards and get ready for some craziness....

Top Ten Christian Light Bulb Jokes (courtesy of my friend at
  1. How many members of an established fundamental Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
    One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.
  2. How many Arminians does it take to change a light bulb?
    All. They need everyone to make sure it stays on. One can never really be sure.
  3. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.
  4. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  5. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
    109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Subcommittee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which Hardware Store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.
  6. How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
    This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted-all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
  7. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
    "What's a light bulb?"
  8. How many emergents does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They use candles.
  9. How many guitar-playing worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
  10. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
    Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

And now for the bonus round... Top Ten Totally Random Bits of Information Impacting my Current Mood in Life

  1. I sold my Fender P-bass to an eighth grader who will probably be better after a couple months of playing it than I got in the 4 years I owned it. I'm very disappointed.
  2. There is actually an actor with the first name Mahershalalhashbaz. I'm very jealous.
  3. We put my youngest daughter in a crib tent for the first time last night to try to curb the dangerous new trend of flipping herself out of the crib in the middle of the night. It didn't go well. I'm very tired.
  4. Two new DVDs were released this week. Brokeback Mountain earned $83 million at the box office. The Chronicles of Narnia raked in $729 million. The former received 8 nominations for an Academy Award, the latter managed to pull in just 3. I'm very perplexed.
  5. My wife took me (for my Christmas present) to see Billy Joel in concert last week. This was either the 5th or the 6th time I've seen him perform, and he was still absolutely amazing. He played at least one song from each of his studio albums, including four songs that he didn't do at other shows. I'm very impressed.
  6. We are now halfway through my class in Matthew (and synoptic issues) but I haven't yet started my final project in the course. I'm very concerned.
  7. My eldest daughter has kept her pull-up poopie free for the past three weeks running. I'm very satisfied.
  8. We had our piano tuned last week (the first in a series of probably 3...) and apparently out of 100 "cents" in a half step (from middle C down to B), our piano was 82 "cents" out of tune. He actually broke a string when trying to tune it. I'm very sad.
  9. Despite my ridiculously long hiatus from the blogosphere, there were 19 new visitors from outside the Wilmington area to the blog yesterday, including one from Cebu. I'm very curious.
  10. I ran into the WDEL traffic watch guy this morning on my way into Wawa, and I saw that his mini-van (and ostensibly the whole traffic-watch program) was sponsored by Dunkin Donuts, and I thought to myself how funny it would be if he got a donut at Wawa. Sure enough, after paying for my hand-crafted finely-tuned latte, there he was in the donut case. I'm very amused.

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LOVE your blog... it's clever, funny and encouraging at the same time... like a twinkie made of text!


#7 is simple. They are called the academy awards, not the "average american citizens choice".



Isn't the Cebu a cousin to the water buffalo?

- Ted


Is James a "real friend" or one of your "special friends"...just a thought....


I'm not sure what you are insinuating about James? Are you asking whether or not he exists in reality? Yes. He is a living, breathing, God-fearing, Christ-honoring, Spirit-indwelt human being whom I have had the privilege of becoming acquainted with this year. Would he take a bullet for me? I don't know, but maybe I could ask him when he and his family come over for dinner. (Are you free Tuesday, April 18, say around 6ish?)

On an only slightly unrelated note, couldn't I ask the same question of you (since you chose not to identify yourself)? Please don't make me whip out rules for posting on the blog.


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